Worst Day of Your Life » Sandy Hook Elementary in the Year-Old Rearview

Do you recall the entry I posted on this day last year? » 12-12-12. That was the day I posted the quotes page.

Google Map of Housatonic River Connecting Sandy Hook to Indian WellI started with four. Now I have eight. I try to pick quotes that mean something to me personally.

That I own, you might say. Which I have made my own. Which have (somehow) become a part of me.

If I am going to take the time to post a particular quote, then I am going to make it count.

My next one may be from Mandela, since he has so many good ones.

» Dreading the Sandy Hook Retro

The Newtown anniversary is 2 days away. I can tell that I am still not yet okay with that.

I feel a sense of dread at the rapidly approaching date .. like I am desperately trying to distract myself .. from the crushing anguish.

Because Newtown hit close to home .. in more ways than one.

I think of those parents sometimes .. and wonder how they get thru each day. And what do they do when it gets too hard? How many are on anxiety medication?

Nana says that folks there are still very touchy. The tragedy lingers close. Nerves are jumpy .. specially when it comes to the kids at school.

Horror UnspeakableAn SUV pulled into the lane marked clearly for Busses Only. Everybody held their breath for a moment. "Dear God, no."

The lady comes out from the school yelling, "What the hell is the matter with you? Can't you read?!"

I said, "Nana, if that's what it takes to keep the kids safe .. if it takes a little yelling .. I'm okay with that."

This school, where Nana's grand-son goes, is "5 minutes away" .. from the new elementary school where the Sandy Hook students now go. (In Monroe.)

I remember being surprised last year, when Nana told me that her son (my cousin) had said, "They're gonna have to tear down that school, now."

At the time, it sounded both extreme and unlikely. But that it exactly what happened. Good for the kids, I think. (Bad for the taxpayers.)

When I asked Nana about her thoughts that no other state but Connecticut moved to modify gun laws, she surprised me by saying ..


••• today's entry continues here below •••

.. well, let me paraphrase, okay? (with disappointment in her voice) » "It wasnt their kids. It didnt happen in their community .. so they don't give a shit."

I thought about that long after I hung up. It surprised me cuz of how cynical it sounded. But maybe it is merely disabused clarity?

Nana has always had an ability to see things in pragmatic but accurate terms .. specially when it comes to people.

Tears in NewtownUpdate » 28 December 2013

Connecticut Police released their final report on the shooting at Sandy Hook. The following paragraph stood out:

Police Lt. Christopher Vanghele said he and another officer found what appeared to be about 15 bodies, mostly children, packed in another bathroom.

So many people had tried to cram inside the bathroom that the door couldn't be closed, and the shooter gunned them all down, Vanghele surmised.

I obviously did not know this last year, seeing that this info has just now been made public. Does that not remind you of shooting fish in a barrel?

Yes, I would like to say that, being from the area, I know somebody who knew somebody .. but I don't.

Yes, I envisioned them huddled together (cuz that's what first-graders do) .. but no, I never imagined them huddled in a closet .. which seems uncomfortably close to .. well, you know.

» The Bathroom

This is disturbing in a whole new way. In a bathroom. In a fucking bathroom. A closet with a commode.

Oh my God. What the fuck?

Dude, I've BEEN IN those bathrooms. I know *exactly* what they're talking about. Yeah, you can fit about 13 or 14 kids in there .. I would guess. But they really feel more like a closet .. than a bathroom. That's my point.

That's fucked up. That's very fucked up. No matter how you look at it.

Does this new fact, insight, send a sign? .. in a res-ipsa-loquirtur sort of way? And if so, what do you reckon the message might be?

My ego is trying to convince me that this new info .. released a year later .. adds a certain prophetic weight to my entry from a year ago (.. posted the DAY AFTER the shooting.

(Sometimes it seems like this ego is the only thing keeping me going .. so I give him plenty of latitude.)

I finally cried for these kids. The closet did it for me. It was like what I imagined a nervous breakdown would be like. But then I felt better.

» Worst Day of Your Life

AR-15 Assault Rifle like the one used by Adam Lanza in Newtown CT at Sandy Hook Elementary SchoolHere is another quote:

Among the details: More than a dozen bodies, mostly children, were seen packed "like sardines" in a bathroom.

The horrors inside school were so terrible that when police sent in paramedics, they tried to select ones capable of handling what they were about to witness.

"This will be the worst day of your life," police Sgt. William Cario warned one.

Packed like sardines. Oh my God. Those poor kids. That certainly would qualify for a worst-day-of-your-life scenario.

Oh, check this out » Why Adama Lanza Did It. He was much more intelligent than I gave him credit for. Which makes his actions even more disturbing.

Here is an article about Peter Lanza, Adam's dad. Wow. Interesting ststement at the end of this CNN video, where the guy says (at t-4:00) » "Adam's crime was particularly, singularly horrific. The murder of small children is really the worst thing that anybody can do."

I resonate with that statement.

» My Worst, Scariest Parenting Moment

Newtown | An American Trajedy, by Matthew Lysiak (2013)When contemplating the soul-fucking torment that must periodically visit the parents of those Sandy Hook students ..

.. I have tried to think of my own absolute worst, gut-wrenching parenting moment ..

.. as my way of trying to empathize with those parents ..

.. even tho I could never really know ..

.. and I actually came up with TWO things .. one acute (one-time deal) and one chronic (recurring).

The recurring part (CHRONIC) comes whenever I go to his door to get him (visitation) and see that he has grown.

Something way inside grieves and recognizes that I missed part of his life .. and that it is forever gone, never to be retrieved.

It's like a stab in gut with a sharp poker .. for which I have no defense. For which I have not been able to figure out a defense.

Baloo & Mogli | Jungle BookSo what do you do? You try to make up for it .. as best you can. You compensate. You over-compensate .. as best you can.

Regarding the ACUTE .. that came with his 18-month shots.

Oh my God, I looked in his eyes and it was like » no one was home. Vacant. Put the fear of God in me.

His mom is like, "He had his shots earlier today and..." Actually I forgot the rest of what she said ..

.. cuz when I looked in his eyes, and saw nobody home, it kinda freaked me out.

I have told this story to (some) parents who have autistic children and they say, "You got lucky. You hit the lottery. Cuz that's exactly what happened to my son .. except he never came back."

Anyway I remember (after picking him up) trying to go "in there." To BE WITH him (emotionally, consciously) .. and let him know that I love him and care for him and appreciate him and want him and love to be with him and thank God for him.

Everything I did was in that general direction .. and yes he did come back just fine. But that was my worst one-time parenting thing where fear gripped me by the balls .. and squeezed the hardest.

Yes, I have had plenty of parenting trials and tribulations (.. let me TELL you). And Twilight Zone dreams. But I'm talking about real-life drama.

Jenny McCarthy with Son Evan» Reactions to Vaccinations

There is a big debate right now here in the country about all the vaccinations we give our kids and their potential link to autism.

I am not ready to discuss anything, nor take sides, because I have not researched the issue sufficiently.

I am just relaying my experience. For what it's worth. In a res ipsa loquitur sort of way. It is what it is. (The thing speaks for itself.)

But you have probably heard of Jenny McCarthy (Jim Carrey's old flame) and the waves she has been making there.

Nice waves .. from what I've seen. A yoga girl. It would seem. You know what they say » once you had a yoga girl, you can never go back.

[ Any comment, Jim?

Dude, you looked good at the Oscars. Very good. It was my favorite moment (.. after Jared's acceptance speech, of course).

» The (Ultra Exclusive) Thirteen-Hundred-Foot Club

Remind me to tell you the story about how the Dog and I and this other dude from the Bronx .. became part of an exclusive group. Very exclusive. Fingers-of-one-hand exclusive. Code-word » R2D2.

We call it "the thirteen-hundred-foot club" .. tho I should probably not elaborate. Except that it was not my idea. Far as I can tell, Samantha is the only one who might be able to rival our exclusivity.

Jenny McCarthy | Yoga Girl in LotusAlso, I checked up on your ex, there .. in writing this piece. Hope she doesnt mind.

She has three sisters, no brothers. Whoa. Full-strength estrogen. The home in which she grew up.

I have always credited my success with women, more of less, to brothers .. and the proper brotherly training they provide to their darling sisters.

So I am curious .. if it was like estrogen-overload? I have been toasted a time or two as a result of estrogen overload ..

.. so I wonder how you handle it. Other than with an asbestos suit and long-handled tongs.

She seems so guy-friendly in public. Is it all an act? A script?

I must say, she certainly seems capable .. of pulling off the role of a guy-friendly girl. But sometimes you can be wrong about things.

I knew this divorced girl from the coffee shop there in Newport Beach who had two young daughters. No sons. Nice girl, nice place, nice everything. Jungle gym out back. Pets. "The Maserati girl."

But tons of estrogen in that house. You could feel it.

I asked the Bug (after we had been there once), "Do you wanna go visit ..." as we drove by their house. Cuz I thought she might make a good friend. (For me. She seemed very friendly.) Living so close. Close to where I was living. And close to the coffee shop.

He said, "No." And he didnt hesitate. I couldnt blame him.

That feeling of estrogen nails on a testosterone chalkboard.]

Like » Wrestling with a Python

So my sense of things from being with a yoga girl .. is that it's like » wrestling with a python. A strong, muscular python.

ean, tight, muscular, athletic poseA most sensuous constrictor. They totally ruin you for all other women.

The term that comes to mind » coil.

[ Practitioners of ashtanga (such as Kino) being some of the most hardcore. Intro. Book. ]

I recall Kevin, the freestyle rock-climber, mentioning how he credited his recovery from a nasty 30-foot fall ..

.. on the limberness that comes from yoga (.. during the time he lived with a yoga instructor).

After spending a few years with a yoga instructor, I have had girls tell me » "Dude, you can't do that with my leg. I'm not that flexible."

» Sweaty Yoga Chicks Smell the Best

And while we are on the topic of wrestling with pythons .. let me just say.

That girls who practice forms of yoga which promote sweating .. such as ashtanga or hot yoga classes such as you find at Bikram's ..

.. these girls all smell good. They smell like they just stepped out of the shower. Even when they're sweaty.

Go ahead and do you own research .. but I am confident that you will find my findings correct. Findings which are the result of much research.

Me » "You smell good. What is that you're wearing?"

Yoga Girl » "Nothing .. that's just me."

My rock-climbing buddy Tom said that, if you think a girl smells good to you .. that means she is genetically compatible, and that you two would make good babies together.

I mean, he was citing some clinical university study. Mother Nature helping to lead you in the right direction.

» The Proficient Use of Profanity

I hear that Jenny is well-versed in the proper use of the f-word. Qualified to express herself in a variety of environments. The word that comes to mind » proficient.

[ Defn » Good at; skilled; fluent; versed; adept; practiced, especially in relation to a task or skill. Possessed of considerable acquirements. ]

So my sense is that, whether or not you agree with her 'views' on vaccinations .. you will not misunderstand her.

» Perhaps Some Kids are More Sensitive than Others

Hey, maybe some kids are more sensitive than others.

In grade school we had a kid named » Julius. I did not know him very well, but I liked him. I delivered the New Haven Register to his home. Their family ran a package (liquor) right store below their place.

Julius had the nicest mom. She was pretty, sweet, kind, smart, thoughtful, and a good tipper. (She was one who paid me.)

But Julius was squeamish. He walked out of class while we were dissecting frogs one time (already dead ones). I heard him slide down along the wall and hit the ground out in the hall with a surprisingly loud thud. "Holy shit!" I thought when I heard the thud. The teacher ran out.

Another time, before school, we were playing softball at the playground there and the on-deck batter took a practice swing and cracked another guy right in the cabeza (head) .. who had wandered behind him.

The guy puts his hand to his forehead where the bat had hit him and then looks at his hand. It was covered with blood. Two seconds later Julius hit the ground. (Hard.) Boom!

My point » some kids seem more sensitive.

[ Update April 21, 2014 - Frank at the NY Times has a little something to say about this. (I like Frank, and I know that he has written plenty of good articles in the past.)

Perhaps I should also note that I *think* my experience was also concerning the MMR shot, tho I am admittedly not sure. It was at 18 months and I am not sure that the MMR shot is given at 18 months.

I can say tho, that I knew nothing about any potential adverse effects to shots .. other than sore leg muscles .. when the Bug got his shot that scared me.

So it's not like I was expecting anything bad to happen. <end Frank update>

Oh, here is something interesting .. something promising » The Kids Who Beat Autism.]

» The Misprioritization of Profanity in Polite Society

This might be a good place to mention my thoughts on 'profanity' .. on language that some in polite society might term 'profane'. (Especially the self-righteous... like I used to be So I know.)

Yes, I have already expressed myself on this topic .. like a diligent essayist. But dont you wanna know what I really think?

Kelly Thomas Getting the Shit Kicked out of him, July 5, 2011Maybe not.

Because I find it a 'misprioritization' (.. the nicest way I can put it) ..

.. for a person to cringe at the sound of a heartfelt expletive ..

.. yet who seems little-fazed by the pleas for mercy ..

.. coming from a boy who is being [ quite fucking literally ] » beaten to death. Snuff-flick style.

Who is crying out to his dad for help. (Yes, as he is being beaten to death.) Talk about the worst day of your life.

These members of polite society are offended by words they consider profane .. but the cries-for-help and pleas-for-mercy coming from the most vulnerable parts of our society » eh, not so much.

Rad note » The subject in this section (that you are now reading) has drifted far enough that I have moved it to its own, separate entry. See here » The Misprioritization of Profanity in Polite Society (dated March 15, 2014, the Ides of March).

At the end of that page, I provide a link to return you back here .. to this exact section.

<end Rad note about moving a section of text with subject-drift to its own, separate page>

Military-Grade Vaccinations » See God

Nuclear-powered ballistic-missile submarine underwayRemind me to tell you the story about the mass inoculations they gave me in bootcamp. (Orlando.)

Then they have you go stand out in the hot Florida sun ..

.. while the other 79 guys in your group get their shots. (Hurry up-n-wait, industrial-grade.)

I could hear the music they were playing in heaven. Everything got very bright. "Oh, I see what the meaning of life is."

I would have thought it some kind of religious experience .. if I didnt know better.

I remember thinking (as an 18 year old) » "Whoa. This is pretty cool."

To say that I was "feeling good" would be an understatement.

They dont even use needles. They just shoot the shit straight into your body. Bam! Sixteen shots at once. (Eight into the muscle of each shoulder.)

They shoot you with a thing that looks not unlike a gun .. with dials and hoses attached.

"Dude, this is three thousand PSI. So dont flinch .. or it will cut you."

Only, they didnt say 'dude'. ■■

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on December 12, 2013 12:12 PM.

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