The Dark Side Beckons

» There's a scene in one of the episodes of Clone Wars (« a kids' cartoon version of Star Wars that the Bug enjoys watching) .. where Anakin Skywalker goes to herculean lengths (battling the evil Count Dooku and his assassin Ventress) .. in order to rescue and return Jabba's son.

Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka TanoBut Dooku has deceived Jabba into believing it was the Jedi who kidnapped his son. (Dooku is a crafty fellow, who was once a Jedi himself .. 'til he went to the Dark Side.)

So after embracing his son, Jabba sentences to death both Anakin & his new young female apprentice Ahsoka.

Here is where Ahsoka, surprised by what just happened, turns and asks, "Does this always happen to you?"

To which Anakin famously replies (with humorous resignation) » "Everywhere I go." =)

You need to hear *how* he responds in order to really appreciate the resignation in his voice (.. a feeling most are familiar with from time to time). Unfortunately I'm unable to find a clip of the scene posted online.

But I certainly know that feeling .. of being condemned after trying my darnedest to do the right thing. You're likely familiar with the sentiment chracterized by the phrase » no good deed goes unpunished.

In fact, my foray into Nietzsche last year was the result of a spiritual crisis of sorts. (Note the timing.) But that's another story.

Count DookuBad Day

Anyway, my point is » I had a bad day this week. Very bad. One of the worst in recent memory. Maybe thee worst.

I actually went below zero .. for a few hours. Was surprised to find myself there.

I can deal with disappointment & despair .. but finding myself in negative territory was a new experience. Like you're dead .. looking up at the surface.

Wasnt long however until I could see that this was not a place I could abide. So I did what I had to do .. to get back up to zero .. suky as it was. And there I lay for a while .. so to speak.

••• today's entry continues here below •••

YodaLifeline to Sanity

Thank God the Dog was available. He's my lifeline to sanity. I called numerous times during the day. We talked at length more than once. He took my call every time. Or called right back.

The Dog provides perspectives I hadnt considered. He knows how to build me up when I'm down. (Others are experts at tearing me down when I'm up.) "Nobody I know," he told me, "can do what you do. I certainly couldnt." (He actually sounded believable.) He says I have a Zen approach.

I remember telling the Dog, "Feel like I'm approaching the end of a marathon, and there at the finish-line, waiting for me are three gorillas .. wielding pipe-wrenches and baseball-bats .. waiting to kick my ass." =)

The Dog reminded of what Bukowski said:

"You have to die a few times before you can really live."

[ Wish I could elaborate or be more explicit, but I cant. Maybe in the future. What I can tell you however .. is that I almost pulled off a little miracle.

Sith LordAshes to Ashes

But it wasnt meant to be. So I was very 'up' .. when I thought I had done the impossible.

Which might be why I fell so LOW .. after I saw my hopes to stay close to the Bug disintegrate before me. In spectacular fashion. ]

"I'll recover," I told the Dog. "Always do. But that time aint now. Right now I'm tired, whupped, beat. Exhausted. Discouraged."

Interesting how I no longer have any fear of despair. No dread of depression. (Just resignation.) Tho this was a place I'd never been before.

I even stopped by the store on the way home to pick up a beer. Normally I avoid alcohol when I'm feeling bad. (Normally I go for a run or throw iron.) But this was sooo bad that I actually needed one. (Just one is all I bought. And yes, it helped. Best tasting beer ever.) I sat outside and sipped it slowly until long after dark.

Might be worth noting what it was that CAUSED Anakin to go over to the Dark Side » his love for Padmé. The good guys said they couldnt help her, but the bad guys said they could. See it?

Along these lines .. I've been reading Dostoevsky. Dostoevsky can be cathartic in this state. Made some interesting notes I may share in the future.

Dostoevky has been called 'dark'. That's because he sees in the dark. Remarkably well. Like a bat. His 'night vision' is perhaps the best. Ever. Certainly one of.

Dostoevsky is, by the way, the *only* author to place four (4) titles on the list of » the 100 Best Books of All Time .. in any language. Ever. (Shakespeare, Tolstoy & Kafka each place three.)

Whenever I start thinking how bad I got it, I simply (re)read the story of Dostoevsky's life (who, like Anakin & Ahsoka, was also sentenced to death) .. and I realize how good I really got it.

Darth VaderSins of the Fathers

On a potentially tangential note, I was surprised to find a verse of scripture that says:

" .. I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation .. "

Uh, does that not sound like God is saying he punishes innocent children for the sins of their fathers? .. and even of their grandfathers and great grandfathers?

Kinda disturbing, no? (Did one of my ancestors do something to tick God off?)

Consider that I've never even met my grandfather on my dad's side. (Think he died before I was born.) And I dont even know the name of my great grandfather there.

Anyway, we all have bad days and I am certainly no exception. But I am determined to do the right thing .. if for no other reason than to ensure my son, or his children, are never punished for anything I do. (He started 1st grade this week, btw.)

Recall however, that Anakin *did* go over "to the Dark Side." He's the one who became Darth Vader .. the darkest of the dark. Something I'm determined to avoid .. but I know the feeling. I've heard the call .. from out of the ashes of despair. ■

For more along these lines, here's a Google search preconfigured for the query » clone wars anakin skywalker ahsoka jabba does this always happen to you everywhere i go, and another for » darth vader dark side anakin skywalker, and one more for » sins of the fathers visited upon children

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on September 11, 2011 9:11 AM.

Online Dating & the 'Why' of Breaking Up was the previous entry in this blog.

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