Online Dating & the 'Why' of Breaking Up

» A friend invited me over for dinner last night. He grilled chicken on the bar-b after marinating it in lemon juice & fresh garlic. Served up with mango spears, a tomato salad & cold Guinness. Yummy.

Dating and Break-upsAfterward we watched Source Code & Man on Wire on his wall-mounted plasma .. with home-theater surround speakers.

[ He has the biggest, most comfortable couch. Pillows everywhere. Different-sized pillows, so you can customize your seating for maximum comfort. ]

But while manning the gas grille & tongs, he kept checking his cell phone for text messages. "I just broke up with this girl," he said, squinting to read the tiny screen.

He went on to say that she had a problem orgasming .. apparently due to side-effects of anti-depressants she was taking.

This was obviously something very important to him, because he said he liked everything else about her. "She has no hang-ups, whatsoever."

"She keeps wanting to know why I broke up with her," he said. "I told her it was my issue and had nothing to do with her."

"Dude," I said, swallowing another sip, "you should tell her. Otherwise she'll drive herself crazy .. wondering what it might be. » Is it this? Is it that? Is it the other? Cant turn that noise off. Like a broken record. And the way the mind works, she'll imagine the worst. Much worse than reality."

I could tell from the messages she kept sending him (.. e.g. "Was it because I wanted to pay for dinner that might've threatened or insulted your manhood?") that she was going crazy trying to find out.

My buddy resisted. "Then she'll say, 'I can work on that'."

"Yeah," I countered, "but that's another issue entirely. You can deal with that."

Anyway, without getting confrontational, I simply told him, while he finished washing the dishes, that I thought it was important he tell her .. and that I was in no hurry to see the movies and that "I would gladly wait."

"Take your cell," I said, "go for a walk down the street and give her a call." (It was just starting to get dark.)

"If you dont," I said, "fifty years from now that poor girl will be laying on her death bed, wondering why that guy broke up with her."

Text Messaging"Can I Text Her?"

"Can I text her?" he asked. [ I think he was serious. =) ]

"Absolutely not! And if you get her answering machine," I added, "do NOT leave a message. You need to TALK to her. She'll take your call."

He was gone a loooong time. I was able to go thru his entire (very cool) book collection and was starting to get worried .. when the door finally opened.

"Oh my God," he said weakly, after shutting it and staring blankly into the far, dark corner. He looked shell-shocked. =)

"How'd it go?" I asked. "You were gone a while." (It had long since turned dark.)

••• today's entry continues here below •••

Long story short .. he said, "Dude, thanks for pushing me on that. It was definitely the right thing to do. I feel better. She feels better. She was relieved."

"See," I said, "we'll *all* sleep better tonight. The angels will sleep better."

Make a DifferenceAnyway, I have known people who were broken up with by people who never gave them a reason (.. not even a lame reason).

And I know how it can mess with their heads. It's cruel .. because the mind cant stop wondering what it might be. It's a form of torture. Psychological torture.

Made a (Little) Difference

So I feel like I made a difference yesterday. A little difference, but a difference nonetheless.

For some cute little girl who I've never even met. And who I hardly know anything about (.. except that she's a hottie who's good in bed with "no hang ups").

To be honest, it was actually bothering me (.. even tho I never met her). So in that respect, it surprises me. Hence the pondering, and thus today's entry. =)

In other words, it kinda felt like I was urging him to "make the call" for myself .. more than for her.

Anti-depressants and how they workAnti-Depressants & Their Side Effects

Lots of people these days are on anti-depressants. You know. They're easy to get. And who isnt depressed in this krappy economy? (Never tried them myself.)

All drugs have side-effects. These cocktails affect brain chemistry and can even alter personality. The chaste prude suddenly becomes Miss Promiscuity. (Not that I'm complaining.) Brain chemistry, powerful stuff.

My buddy met her online .. thru one of the online dating services. He is well-versed in such things. When he showed me his bedroom, I said, "So *this* is where the magic happens." =)

Cool place. Looks small from the outside .. but big inside. The semi-enclosed side outdoor patio is very cool. Covered with tree branches & green leaves. Quiet, secluded space is the thing we lack most here in Southern California (.. cuz so many people live here), and that's exactly what he has.

Later I said, "She needs to go off the anti-depressants."

"Yeah," he said, "but that aint gonna happen."

[ Uh, I've received mail from some for whom anti-depressants represent a genuine lifesaver. Of all the people I've ever known to be on anti-depressants, one, maybe two, were genuine medical conditions of clinical depression. Something was amiss with their brain chemistry.

The rest (in my admittedly uneducated opinion) were merely 'trying' them to see how they felt on the meds (.. not unlike the teenager who experiments with smoking pot). They liked the effect they had and therefore kept taking them. For a while, anyway.

Afterwards tho, they tired to stop, but had trouble getting off due to some kind of psychological addiction or dependance (?) .. even tho anti-depressants are supposedly not addictive. Some had great trouble getting off and had to segue thru a series of other antidepressants.

It is/was difficult for me to understand their (periodic) bouts of 'depression' because it seemed they lived a charmed life. But clinical depression does not work like that. It has little-to-nothing to do with external factors. Or, as one reader put it » "Depression is not sadness."

Also » "Someone taking those kinds of meds will be struggling most of their life with things like self-worth. For most people, such an explanation is the right thing to do. But for anyone prone to the feeling that they don't deserve to live it is more than that. Giving someone an explanation, a framework for processing what happens, is important to help stop it being another experience which reinforces the cycle of depression." ]

The male ego does not like to leave a woman unsatisfied. Regardless the reason. The bed may have been reduced to a pile a rubble, goose feathers floating and filling the air ..

.. He may have left her hobbling for days, dislocated her hips, or even cracked the very foundation of her house. But if there is no release, it can be equally unsatisfying for the man. Maybe more so .. because it can threaten his ego. "Is it me? Am I losing it? Am I losing the magic?"

IntimacySex as a Vehicle to Greater Emotional Intimacy

When I was younger, sex was primarily about physical pleasure and maybe stress relief. But as I got older, it became more about emotional intimacy.

Intimacy can be terrifying. (It was for me. Rather stick needles in my eyes.)

Difficult for the insecure youth to brave the depths of emotional intimacy. Intimacy requires trust .. because it involves abandon .. when we venture out to explore a world where the traditional things that normally bring us security have no effect.

We're talking about vulnerability, and intentionally allowing yourself to become vulnerable (.. a very unAmerican thing to do) because it seems like that's what's required to explore together those magical distant lands of the heart.

Most people are unwilling (or unable) to pay the price of admission. And it's a shame because they dont even know what they're missing. But we can only go as far as the most reluctant is willing (or able).

Fortunate the man or woman who finds a mate s/he is attracted to and who they can genuinely trust in matters of the soul. I doubt there's a limit to the depths of emotional intimacy that a brave couple can explore (together). It's really what life is all about (.. and one of the reasons why parenting can be so important).

[ Names have been omitted to protect the innocent. ] ■

Both movies were excellent. Source Code, btw, has nothing to do with computer programming. I wanted to see Source Code (which we saw first). But my buddy really wanted to see Man on Wire. So we were up kinda late.

For more along these lines, here's a Google search preconfigured for the query » online dating breaking up, and another for » antidepressant side-effects, another for » sex orgasm antidepressants, and lastly, one for » emotional intimacy.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on September 4, 2011 9:04 AM.

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