» I went to Moores again today. For a 'simulation scan'. This is where they drape a warm, wet mesh netting over your face and let it harden. Yes, it's a very different experience.
And this face-mask clips to the board that you're laying on. So it pulls taut across your face.
So you dont move. When they shoot your head with radiation. Feel me?
It is not a death-mask, no. But I would be lying if I said the thought never passed thru my mind.
Like I said, I find myself employing humor when I am feeling stressed. And ..
.. these people (a girl and her guy-helper) they are super meticulous about setting up this thing on your face, and also for the pillow (mold) that they are also making for you.
After a while of them making endless tiny adjustments, I said » "You guys are so meticulous. If it were me, I'd just throw a burlap sack over their face and spray it with a little Elmer's glue. Budget cuts. You know."
I had them laughing.
"So stop your whining, you big baby. We'll hose you off after we're done. Dont worry .. Elmer's is not toxic. But try not to swallow any of it when it drips thru the burlap. Oh, it looks like the hot water is out again, so we'll have to hose you off with cold water. What do you mean there's a piece of potato on your face. Where do you think I got that burlap bag from? And you're lucky that you're getting burlap .. you shoulda seen what we did to the last guy who was here. You should be glad I like potatoes."
Once I get into a groove on a theme, there's no stopping me. I almost killed a man once .. by making him laugh so hard .. that he couldnt breathe. He was begging for mercy.
No, I did not say all of that to them .. but that is the direction I was headed.
<ignore this intentional body-text marker>
••• today's entry continues here below •••
They girl told me that she had been doing this for two decades .. and that, her experience has been, your ability to keep a sense of humor .. as you go thru this (sometimes unpleasant) thing » makes all the difference.
"What else can you do?" I said. Tho this article says that »
"Positive psychology doesn't have a great track record as a way to fight cancer. Indeed, when James Coyne and colleagues followed 1,093 people with advanced head-and-neck cancer over nine years, they found even the most optimistic subjects lived no longer than the most pessimistic ones."
She has a boy the Bug's age. Same grade.
She also said that her brother got accepted into Film school at USC. Super exclusive.
I liked her. She walked me out after all was said and done. That was a little thing that meant a lot to me.
And she was the one who gave me the card for my first radiation appt.
They have four radiation machines, but one is currently being upgraded ..
.. so the radiation appointments begin at 5 or 6AM and run constant thru to 9 or 10 PM.
As you progress thru the weeks, you increase in radiation seniority, which allows you to pick better times .. than the 8PM I currently have.
Radiation seniority .. kinda funny, no? But it does feel fair.
I am not ready yet to tell you the date .. but you will know soon enough.
I had a rough day today. The biopsy to verify the pathology was only 5 days ago. (No word yet.) Lots of needles to deal with.
Today, as part of the 'simulation scan,' they first set you up with an I-V. And the first few times failed.
Never before have I had a problem with anybody finding a vein. But you have probably heard the horror stories. It sucks when they need to stick you multiple times.
Drink a lot of water in order to well hydrate, and skip the aspirin for a couple of days prior. (These are things you learn the hard way.)
So this was basically a CT-scan with a mask and pillow fitting. And three band aides .. one for each place where they poked me.
I am going to start masturbating again. So I can build up my right arm. Until the veins pop out from the rippling muscles.
When I was 14, my right arm was three times as big as my left. People would say, "You must jerk off a lot." And I would say » "How did you know?"
I still have my sense of humor, but I should probably mention that ..
.. I feel like I fell off a cliff and landed on a ledge ..
.. some thirty feet below. A fall which knocked the wind out of me.
I am okay, but I am looking up and dont think I can get back up there. To that energy level. That looks daunting.
So my goal seems to be to find a way out of here, to proceed cautiously .. so as not to fall again.
I am speaking somewhat metaphorically. But you feel me.
They are like » "You think you are tired now? .. wait 'til you start chemo. Then you'll really know what tired is."
I want to be honest with these things. I mean, this stuff takes a toll on you. (And then there's the cancer.)
Today was the first time that I ever filled out a form and put a check in the box besides the word » cancer. (Yeah, that was weird.)
I also called Nana and asked her to be on the look out for a nice hat with the soft felt lining for my bald head to be. Now that winter is nigh upon us.
Speaking of bald heads .. the Dog called this weekend and said that his mom is going thru cancer treatment right now and that she is having a hard time.
He says she has always been an attractive woman, and right now she » "is literally shitting her pants .. but the only thing she can think about is » losing her hair."
The Dog went on to say that some women would rather DIE .. than lose their hair. Or their breasts. Hard as that might be to believe. I wonder what Angelina Jolie thinks about that.
[ Oh, I just saw this. No, please dont quit acting. Sure, you can direct. You can produce. You can (obviously) do whatever you like. You can even take a break.
But after you are rested, then it is time to re-push the creative envelope.
Whenever I watch Mr. & Mrs. Smith, there is a scene where Brad is being interviewed by the shrink / marriage counselor .. where he says (something like) » "Dont get me wrong. I love my wife .. but sometimes .."
And he makes this choking shape with his hands, leaving the words unspoken. That always makes me laugh. "I know that feeling, dawg." ]
» The Leonids Meteor Shower
I saw a leonid last night. Or some other (brighly) shooting star.
I thought about (among other things) » Cormac.
Because he begins Blood Meridian with a reference to the great leonid meteor shower of 1833. See here:
Night of your birth. Thirty-three. The Leonids they were called. God how the stars did fall. I looked for the blackness, holes in the heavens. The Dipper stove.
That was the second paragraph in the book. I have lots of respect for Cormac. (Without even trying.)
Cormac was also born in '33, by the way .. tho 100 years later.
It has nothing to do with today's entry, but let me quote for you a sentence from Harold Bloom's intro to Blood Meridian. See here (page viii) »
"The book's magnificence -- its language, landscape, persons, conceptions -- at last transcends the violence, and converts goriness into terrifying art, an art comparable to Melville's and to Faulkner's."
Melville and Faulkner .. you might've heard of these guys.
And getting even more off-topic .. on the subject of writers whose writing I find myself admiring .. is this guy » Tim Kreider. He's good.
I called the Bug's mom when I got out of Moores .. to tell her the date. She said the Bug is a total surfer dude now .. riding waves like it's nobody's business ..
.. and that he has his own beach, where he is a 'local' .. and where all the big-guy local surfers watch out for him. That made me happy to hear that.
I already have an appt with the » Medical Oncologist for later this week. A lady. A Medical Oncologist deals with » chemo.
I admit that these oncologists fascinate me. Their skill sets. Their remarkable skill sets. I only wish that my exposure to them were on less severe terms.
The end. ■
<ignore this intentional text spacer>
<ignore this intentional bottom text spacer, too>
